My 35th Birthday
My 35th Birthday

September means different things to different people. For some it means Labor Day Weekend and the end of summer. For others it means heading back to school. For me, September means it is almost my birthday. I feel a lot of trepidation when it comes to my birthday. Not because I’m getting older. I don’t really have a problem with that. There are only 3 people that I know who don’t like the fact that I’m getting older. Two of them are my cousins who shall remain nameless, Lynn and Melina, who are 13 and 9 years older than me respectfully. The problem they have is with the amount of grey hair that I have in my head while they both sport full heads of black hair. And the other person is my aunt Carol. Because me being grey means that she is getting older. I’ve told all 3 of them to leave me alone. I actually like my grey hair. I’ve been obsessed with salt and pepper hair forever. And I’m excited to join salt and pepper club. Although I know the time will come when my face says 35 and my head says 55. I’m not exactly looking forward to that. It is kind of nice for people to look at you in utter shock when you tell them how old you really are. Hmm now that I think about it, maybe hair color isn’t the devil.

So back to my birthday. The problem that I have isn’t getting older. The problem that I have is facing another year and not having achieved my weight loss goals. For me September means that in approximately 50 days I’ll be another year older and I’ll still be…. FAT. September means that I have approximately 50 days to lose that last stubborn 100lbs, 50lbs. Whatever the number may be. September means that I’ve spent another whole year as a failure. This year I decided to go back to what I know works. A time when I actually felt healthy and good about myself.

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In 2013 I completed my first Whole30. When I finished I felt great. I was going to hot yoga 3-4 times a week. I was sleeping better, waking up easier and my skin felt incredible. If you had told me then that none of it would last I would have slapped you. Since that time I’ve tried to complete Whole30 a few more times with no success. First of all, it isn’t something you just do one day. It takes a lot of preparation – both mental and physical. You have to be ready for it. Ready for the sacrifice. Ready for the shopping and the label reading. Ready for the irritation. Ready for all that damn cooking. Ready to change your life. Before I wasn’t ready. I thought I was but I was wrong.

So what makes this time different? I’m not sure. Maybe it is that I’m in a different space. Maybe I’m better prepared mentally. Maybe I just want it more. Maybe not. I don’t know that I will be successful. I don’t know that I will fail. All I know is at some point the roller coaster ride has to end. At some point I have to figure this out. I want to wake up on October 19th feeling content. Feeling like I did something right. Feeling like a success and not a failure. I want to wake up thankful for all that I have and all I that I’ve accomplished. I don’t want to have to that asterisk  that says “Yeah I’ve done all these great things this year *except lose weight”.

This year I’m making a pledge to myself. Part of “lifestyle by design” and living in authenticity means being comfortable in your own skin. Being happy with who you are not just with what you do. So the time has come for me to do what needs to be done. To truly be where and what I want to be means I have to be healthy. I have to stop talking myself out of things or saying that failure is okay. It isn’t okay. It sucks!